Dreaming?....What's gonig on?

Yes.... Ryan did just get his car about an hour ago. Yes it is fun. It's a used '03 Saturn Vue, nice silver color. Super fun times for Ryan. I am exhilerated.

wow, I don't think i've used this thing since before school started. I guess I find no reason to most of the time. Because it is rather pointless isn't it. Oh well....I guess school is going okay, school is school no matter which school you go to. Just different people. I'll make a longer entry later...

Yeah this weekend ................ I had fun with Jalesa at Rock the Desert. I'll probably call her later....

yeah this weekend was fun as all hell............now I'm back down...

crap....I really want to talk to Jalesa or Christian right now. But nope I can't, damn this is stupid. There is no reason why I shouldn't be able to. I kind of don't like blaming my dad for this, but man he pissis me off. I should be there now. I SHOULD! sorry, i just made a post, i thought i was done venting. but i'll go on a little bit more. At first I was really freaking mad at my dad. Then I just started feeling sorry for myself. Now, I'm just really freaking mad. Really really mad. The level of me being pissed now is a very high level of pissy, if that made sense. And what makes me even more mad, is the fact that there is absolutly nothing that I can do about it, nothing. I basically have no control over the things that happen in my life. It's all my parents. That was great untill about a year or 2 ago. Now I want to make my own decissions. Its amazing how much control over my life they have. I never really noticed it untill lately. And granted, parents should have control up until a certain point. The Indians had it straight. 13, 14 or so, you develope into your own person. I am my own person now, and I don't like what my parents want me to be anymore. The more I think about this the more angry I become. The more angry I become the more I want to do something about it. But there is nothing I can do. GAH!!! What am I supposed to do? I should just conform and do what I am "supposed" to do. But damn it I don't want to. NO. Some people might think of me a lot different after reading all my posts. But this is how I am now. This is me, I have changed a whole lot in the course of this last year or so. Maybe for worse, maybe for better. But I am what I am. I don't want to be something that I'm not just to make people happy. Now I'm not going to put on an act to make people unhappy. A lot of people do this. You know, like goths. I think they put on this act/gimic just so they'll be different. I'm just going to follow my heart and think how i think, do what I do. If this makes me different or not, its just me. I don't know if that made any sense. I don't think it did. Its hard for me to put my thought process into words sometimes. I guess I'm done for now. I'll call Jalesa tonight and make all this harder on myself. But what can I do?

School started today...I'm not there. Well in Andrews anyway. Okay, now this is definatly a reality to me. Not being there in summer was one thing. But now i'm thinking how everyone is in school right now...and I'm not. I've never been so upset about not being in school. I feel like I'm missing something....everything. Last night I was lieing in bed thinking about all the little things that happened in school, and just period, in Andrews. I'll miss all of those things, I won't be there to experience them or be part of them. I'll get to see the people every once in a while, they can tell me about everything they do, the funny things that happen. But now they'll just be stories to me.... nothing else.... I don't want them to just be stories, I want to be there to experience these stories and be part of them. I guess now I'll have my own experiences and stories to tell them. But my stories will be of other people that they won't even know, and it'll just be awkward. It's actually over now, and I realize that. I have a completly different life now. I don't know what it'll be like, it could be really cool and interesting. But leaving my other life behind sucks. Always wondereing what they're doing right now, what they'll be doing tonight, and what I would be doing if I was there with them. I whined and complained about school everyday last year. Now I would give anything to be there now. I remember last year, after I knew I was moving, that I was walking down the hall thinkin "Man, in a little while, I'll wish I could do this again." but it seemed so far away....but it wasn't far enough away.

uh huh.....Jalesa, Natasha, and Andrew just left. We watched the first half of Fight Club before the girls had to leave. Andrew, Jared and I watched it last night. Somehow watching that movie multiple times it doesn't get old, you always catch new stuff. Yeah Jalesa is in town for this weekend, ironicly i'm leaving tomorrow. I got to hang out with her a little bit today. I probly won't get to see her tomorrow, that sucks some big ones. haha i'm going to mexico in like a day. That is silly. It'll be cool though. Kara and I will have some fun. You know what is even more silly? I'm gonna be 16 in less than a week. Yeah, and I havn't really been looking forward to it as much as I should. I mean, 16 years isn't much of your life. It's a very short part of it, the rest of your life you can drive, so to me its not that big a deal. It will be extremly convienent though, don't get me wrong. It feels kinda weird with Jalesa in town this weekend. Its kind of like shes actually living here. I mean I had to call her, pick her up, and take her home at a certain time , like i would be doing in Andrews. I guess it's just weird cause the only other times shes been in Lubbock with me, shes stayed with me. I am really gald to see her again. Well I'm out for now.

yeah... armor for sleep i super. I agree with them."nothing's real somehow" for some reason lately nothing does seem real. Its like i've been having one big long dream all the time. I wake and everything is that same for a few days. Then i wake up and go to arkansa for a while, that seemed real. Then when i got home, its like i fell back asleep and started dreaming again. I don't know whats going. I find myself doing interesting things lately. I cleaned my room today without being told. Yeah i know, i'm a messy guy. And just really some weird stuff I wouldn't usually do. I get mad all the time, for no reason i guess, I just keep wanting to punch a hole in the wall. I guess it's just hard for me to leave everything that ever meant anything to me. I'm tired of being all depressing, but i can't help it. I do things with my friends here and i enjoy myself, I forget about everything else. But as soon as i get home or they leave, its like I fall back into my little hole.

Been a while sense i've done this, I've been in Heber Springs Arkanasa. Yeah, I'd never heard of it either. Not much to do there when you're on a mission trip. The people there were some rich little boogers. Even though i feel like we didn't help people out that much it was freaking fun as all hell. I'd have to say one of the best parts was meeting our new friend Duff. The U.S.S. Duff this time. Oh, for anyone who doesn't know who Duff is, it was our freindsly loveable green golf cart. But this Duff was almost as cool. It was a huge block of stYrofoam. Yeah this place was on a really big lake. We see Duff just sitting there minding his own business, so me Christian, Roberts, and John decide to take him on his maiden voyage. About 500 yards or so to an island. We had 1 little oar, but it wasn't much help, so we had to take turns pushing it, catching it, and then pushing it again. It was the freaking funniest thing evere, I guess you just had to be there. Oh yeah we also put poured gas on it the night before. Napalm is some fun jazz. Staying with people you don't know can be interesting. I'll just leave that at that. Being with all my Andrewsian buddies made me forget that I didn't actually live there anymore. I just got home and I already miss all them. I'll remember that trip for quite a while. Me and Jalesa a good little talk for about 3 hours or so, it was fun stuff. I think she really helped me out a whole lot that night. I'll just try not to think about stuff so much. good bye